Picture Day

Picture Day


When I took a job as Drama Director of Grace Methodist Church, I had no idea that they would require a picture. I could have skated through the whole ordeal except they were doing a pictorial directory this year. 

These are things that should have been disclosed with the fact that the drama directors that came before me were super humans with supernatural powers.

They made cities of Bethlehem and had live animals. I was planning to ask someone if they did an impression of a donkey.

The kids told me that last year they put on the plagues of Pharaoh while wearing colored morph suits.  Dang, I wanted to make the kids wear brightly-colored skin!  And by the way, what is the right color for locusts?

Let's just say that I was in over my head before the picture taking session today.

First of all, I tried NOT to obsess over what to wear. I did well until right at the end when I obsessed because I didn't obsess or think my outfit through well enough.

I picked a jazzy shirt that I then covered it up with a jacket. Then I panicked because I didn't have in enough color so I threw on a pick scarf.  I fixed my hair the best I could and threw my pink glasses on top of my head.

Once I got to the official picture place, I am ushered into a kids Sunday school room with a picture of Moses looking me.  I have no idea if Moses liked what he had on in the picture.

The woman tells me to take my signature glasses on the top of my head, off.  I feel naked without my eyewear.  

Then I heard the directive to stand on the blue X and turn right...no the other way... right!  By now, I’m stressed. 

 Then she, as all school photographers and church people with a camera do, asked me to stand up straight. Even though I thought I was standing straight, I readjusted something. 

  Thinking that I messed up again, she repeated.  

Uhhhh, haven't you ever heard of women getting a dowager’s hump as they age, I wanted to say. I restrained myself so I wouldn't sound unchristian.

Next, she asked me to turn my head in a cock-eyed manner like I had just heard a mouse in the kitchen.  Now, tilt your chin up close to Mars.  Up….up…..

Now turn your torso counterclockwise and lean forward. Then wiggle your big toe in an oval direction while reciting the Ten Commandments.  

Hey, Moses, I could use some help right now!

Then she said, “Look like yourself,” so I smiled.

“No, not like that,” she added, so I frowned. She told me again to look like myself so I formed a zigzag worried look like Charlie Brown does.

“That's it,” she yelled.

She snapped a few pictures and then contorted me into different poses.  One was the “hand on chin” pose to simulate that I thought about my outfit I wore.  

Another was to fold my arms like I was sassy.  I did this quite naturally.  Then the gyrations started.  With folded, sassy arms bring your elbows forward.  “Smile like you are mischievous,” she added.   Finally, something I could do!

After twenty minutes of being a circus performer with no props, I went into the “selling room”.   First we looked at the pictures.  I noticed a few things that may be helpful for those who come after me. 

If you wear a bright pink scarf, it will envelope your whole jacket.  It made me look like I had on a pink strapless halter top over my jacket.  It is not a good look.

When you are instructed to lean forward, know that you might look like you are getting ready to sit on a bar stool. 

The folded arm look is deceiving.  At first glance, it looks like I am relaxed wearing a vacation outfit over a jacket that is hiding my perky shirt.  But, looking closer, I noticed that when she asked me to bring my elbows forward in this pose, my arms meshed with my “frontal ampleness”.  This created a look that made me seem like I had a gigantic bicep.  

If you’ve ever seen the King of Queens episode where Karie has a giant forearm, you get the idea.  

I stayed long enough for her to ask me if I wanted to “clean up the picture” by paying a huge chunk of my retirement. It would erase a few lines, fix misplaced hair and cover a scab of a shingle on my forehead.  

“Uh…,” I replied, “I get to be 58 so my answer is YES.  “Erase things.  Eliminate stuff.  Dynamite what you have to. “ 

The woman showed me all kinds of beautiful frames for my retouched photo.  I am not a picture person nor am I photogenic so I probably do not need a frame something that I will turn backward.  

  

She wanted to know if I had framed pictures around my house.  “No, I said, I have some of the grandkids pictures taped to refrigerator because I couldn’t find a magnet. And I have a few snapshots of other grandkids safety pinned to a bulletin board.  

“Basically, I know the people who I have pictures of,” I said, “can’t I just look at the actual person when they are at my house?”

All I really want is a very expensive touched up photo to make me look like someone who spent more time picking out the right outfit, who left the halter scarf at home and did not exercise my arm into one gigantic muscle.  

And my free 8 X 10.