Hanging at the DMV for my Birthday

Hanging at the DMV for my Birthday

It’s 7:56 am and I’m outside the DMV waiting for Mr. Government worker to unlock the rectangle, ugly blonde brick government building with too few windows. 

It’s my birthday and I have to get my driver’s license renewed.  

Right now, I am one of three people who will inevitably push and shove each other to be the first in line.  I am eyeing the people in car #1 and #3.  I think I can take one of them but not both.  

I kept putting off renewing my license because I was trying to bring my weight down to a manageable number.  If I ever go missing, I do not want them to Amber-blast out an incorrect weight when looking for me. 

I can hear the emergency beep, beep, beep on the TV…A short woman who thinks  she doesn’t have grey roots showing and who “claims” to be 76 pounds and wearing size -1 clothes has gone missing.  They say that she has a mysterious bump on her head.  She was last seen chasing after her dog, Josie, the Amazing, neurotic rescue dog and wearing some sort of “costume”. 

Another reason I’ve put off getting my driver’s license is that I have the shingles… on my face…I take that back, I have a shingle. I named him Sherman. 

A few days ago, I started whining to Lance about having to get up early to get my new license.   He said, “Just haul off and do it.”  That was hard to argue with so I made a plan.  I set all three of my alarms and went to bed by 9:30. 

Next morning, I got up, put make up on only ½ of my face because I was avoiding Sherman.  I’m hoping that when they take my picture, I can quickly turn my head mugshot style to hide him.  It was hard to style my hair around Sherman so it looked like a cross between Einstein and Steve Howe, the lead guitarist with Yes. 

I didn’t check out what time government offices open so I guessed 8 am.  I got to the parking lot at 7:45 am along with two other more-than-likely March birthdays. 

At 8 am, First Girl gets out and shouts back to me that the DMV opens at 8:30.  So like all modern people, I pull out my phone and play Solitaire.  At 8:29, First Girl gets out of her car and walks to the DMV door and stands dumbfounded.  She yells out to me in car #2 and an obvious convict in car #3, that there was an additional handwritten paper on the door that read that on Wednesday, only, the DMV will open at 9:30.

Lance has always had a theory that three mistakes must happen before you can get any government document accomplished.  This is #1.

What to do next….Do I go to the drug store and look through quasi-funny birthday cards with googly eyes, drive home, sit for 5 minutes and drive back, or do I sit in the parking lot and hope that Sherman goes down in size?

In the meantime, I’ve had the chance to watch about 30 people walk up to the door and try to sling it open.  I found out that I can now lip read.  I was able to decipher most of the words uttered when people saw the sign.  There have been more bad words uttered than an HBO movie. 

Most cars sped off, but cars #1 #2 & #3 early morning DMVers are waiting patiently in our cars playing solitaire or crushing candy or playing personality quizzes or Facebook.

FYI—I came out as a disgruntled corgi who is most likely named Sherman.

Meanwhile at 9:10, a line started forming by the door.  What? I said to myself. I cannot let this happen, I was 2^nd in line.  I gathered up my mama bear attitude and clomped up to the line.  I used my best Grrrr voice and pointed--that car over there and I have been here since 8 am.  We WILL be first in line…any questions?  I did not add the convict because it’s easier to crash a line with 2 people easier than with 3.  

Then I added with emphasis…and I’ve got a shingle and I’m not afraid to use it!  

The line parted like I imagined the Red Sea did.  I will never know if it was my ferocious Helen Reddy’s 70s I-am-woman voice or Sherman who got me to the front of the line. 

This was incident #2 on the Life is Bothersome scale. 

The government man was actually a well-groomed polite woman who did not answer her personality quiz on Facebook right and ended up renewing licenses.  She and I may or may not be meeting for lunch on Friday. 

I did get my license picture made.  I had on no makeup, added a few pounds to the lie I wrote ten years ago, and had a bad hair comb over and Sherman!

So do not, and I repeat, do not want to hear how bad you think your driver’s license picture is. 

Now for 10 years I will have my Shiny Sherman silhouette glaring at me anytime I whip out my credit card.   But, I’ve decided to embrace the picture because my next picture with be with thinner hair, large age spots and wiggly lip-lined lips. 

Happy Birthday Me to me

                                                  …and Sherman!